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An Army of The One

So, here’s a fairly random thought: where are the parenting books on how to prevent your kids from becoming religious nutcases? I mean, there are plenty of books out there on how to raise your kids in a manner pleasing to God, but what resources are there for making sure your kid doesn’t get caught up some semi-cult revival movement? I mean, hell, even the books on how to de-program and re-brain wash your kids are written from a Christian perspective and aim to break children of their idolization of MTV and Hollywood.
Now, please understand, I’m writing this as a person who one day will be a father and has no greater desire than to raise nice, pleasantly agnostic children. The last thing I want is for them to turn into some weird BattleCry, Christian Exodus podlings who reads Worldnetdaily for fun (latest headline: Illegal aliens are driving drunk on American roads)
I mean, I want to raise kids who are free to find their own salvation and religious meaning, but I really don’t want my children to become an active part of a faith that believes that everyone not a part of a specific church is hellbound. Maybe I’m alone on this but I don’t think that pittying every single one of your countrymen (and, indeed, fellow Earth inhabitants) is good parenting.
Now, I’m not worried about my kids going all felon as a result of their religious conversions (I mean, part of what’s great about America is how we water down our most violent faith-based impulses) but still… Even ruling out strapping a bomb to one’s self, there are still plenty of religiously inspired douche-baggy things a kid can do. Like cursing pregnant women, proudly (and loudly) boycotting rock concerts, wearing those (and I mean this literally) God-awful “This Blood’s for You” t-shirts or bookmarking Worldnetdaily (seriously, DUIllegals? Come on. Sure, points for originality, but this is the site which once warned me that Mexico was sending in soldiers dressed as Tex-Mex resturant busboys).
Besides, what if they do get all armed and dangerous? Does anyone remember the last Children’s Crusade? Look it up, a bunch of French kids in the 1200’s, clad only in their nighties and weilding nothing more threatening than their purity tried to travel to Jerusalem to reclaim the Holy Lands from the muslims. There were enough children to fill seven boats, which left France for the Middle East. Two of the boats sank and the remaining children were sold into slavery as soon as they hit dry land.
So, I ask you: where are the books to guide me guide my children towards simple, unassuming spirituality?

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April 7, 2007 - Posted by | Religion

2 Comments »

  1. A: Great Easter post. My boss the Pope would be proud.

    2: You should ask Penn Jillette. There’s a guy who actually is a new parent, and a devout atheist, Libertarian, and general anti-establishment type. In his 50’s. Who does magic for a living. … Okay, but there’s got to be someone a little more normal.

    D: There is no D. But otherwise the “Home Alone” reference wouldn’t have worked.

    Comment by James | April 8, 2007 | Reply

  2. Just don’t take them to church. And if they ask about it, tell them the truth you want them to believe. If they question you, bitch slap them and remind them who the dad is around here. That’s a joke by the way.

    So I may have converted my mother to agnosticism. She wanted to understand where I was coming from with my whole atheism thing, so she read a few books. And tada! She’s now agnostic. But I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that knowledge. I want people to believe what they will. But my mom would’ve scoffed at all of it if she wanted to.

    Comment by Carman | April 11, 2007 | Reply


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