Quick-Fix Vanity Machine

Ego is the new rock star

It’s a Great Time to Be Alive

So, in the news recently:

(None of this is being made up and I’ll leave the snarky comments to you… well mostly)

First off: HAHAHAHAHA! Now, I want to be clear that I’m not laughing because of the slavery or the prejudice per se. Mostly, I just wish Strom were still alive so that there could be a big press conference where both he and Mr. Sharpton would meet on a rostrum. Al’s eyes would be filled with fear and doubt. Strom would stop short, look him up and down and doing his best Darth Vader say, “Al (wheeze) I am your third-cousin twice removed”. The best part would be that it wouldn’t really be his Darth Vader impression, but if still alive Strom Thrumond would be roughly 105 years old and I can’t imagine he could get out that whole sentance without having to catch his breath. Also, after saying that, everyone would assume that, since Darth Vader was voiced by James Earl Jones, Strom was somehow mocking Al Sharpton and black people in general. And we’d be right about it, probably.

Second: No, seriously, he’s more than three times the average weight of other children his age. Listen, I don’t want to be a prick here, but seriously the kid’s big. Like, real big. And no matter what you feel about him possibly be taken away from his family by the state (I’m mixed on the matter), can’t we all be happy for the child that he doesn’ live in America? I mean, sure, his mom let a news crew film him for a month and that sucks, no doubt. But come on, if Connor were a yank his parents would be pimping his wide, plump ass on every trashy day-time talk program that offered them free air fare, accomodations, 40 bucks and a family pass to Old Country Buffet. So, at least the kid’s got that going for him.

Third (and final, and reason why it might not be such a great time to be alive): America has Insane Clown Posse and an Aaron Carter best-of compilation, so it’s only fitting that Europe has Crazy Frog; a digitally animated, anthropomorphic motherfucker of a bad idea. Essentially, whoever’s behind Crazy Frog takes already established songs and creates absolutely insipid, sped-up dance remixes. On the latest version (which you can see the adverts for on late night television – mostly Adult Swim) there’s aparently a remix of the appalingly bad to begin with Italian techno number, “Blue”. If you don’t remember that song, well kudos to you. Please pity those of us who are stuck having to imagine how bad this Crazy Frog remix must be.

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February 27, 2007 - Posted by | Current Events

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